Setting the Stage for More Sex

How To Increase Your Chances of Having More Sex

“My wife and I haven’t been intimate for 8 years.”

I have people coming in with relationship problems.  They’re not getting along, they’re not communicating and they’re not having sex.  They might mention they miss having sex, then I know desire is there.

I take note of this because desire for sex is really a positive thing, it shows zest for life.  If it’s been a long time, though, starting up again can be awkward.

It Starts Early in the Day

Once you’ve made up your mind, get started.  You will want to connect in a positive way with your loved one.  Some people call it “simmering” and what they’re doing is showing affection toward their partner.

A husband walks in from getting the mail and touches her cheek. Just like that, out of the blue.

She extends her hand to him, touches his shoulder.

They have started something.

But neither will show their cards yet there’s no rush…

He helped clean the kitchen so she could go work out.  She prepared his favorite spicy chili for dinner.

What is happening is that they are on good terms and doing things to maintain those good terms.

A hot time in the bedroom at night starts in the morning.  It’s all the little steps during the day that makes the difference.

Is There Unresolved Conflict?

However, increasing affection might not lead to sex.  Then the question is, is there unresolved conflict?

In the past they had a major argument over him going out of town when she had to stay home and work.  She felt his trip was a financial drain.  It was since that time that sex had become nonexistent, only once every two months.

It might be helpful to ask yourself what has changed since you first noticed lack of a sex life?

Make a Date Time

Finally, it’s really helpful to look forward to getting together. Couples can set the stage for a good time.  Find a time when both have enough energy, are alert.  During courtship people prepare for a date and want to maximize their time together.  Making time to be intimate deserves the same kind of thoughtfulness.

What thoughts do you have about getting restarted with your sex life? If you are ready to talk it over, please give me a call.

Relationship Malaise


I was surprised when a young woman walked into my office and said she didn’t care about her boyfriend.  She deserved to be treated better than he had treated her.  She had begun to enjoy dating other men and allowed herself to like them. I couldn’t imagine what had happened because she had been so in love with him for a long time.  Actually it had been a three-year disaster of a relationship.  She knew it was a disaster, too, but she couldn’t leave it.


I had to think back over several months of sessions to understand how she moved on.  Her stated comment about her boyfriend was that she loved him.  She knew all the negative things, that he consistently preferred to spend time with his friends on weekends rather than with her.  When they did go out he’d openly flirt with other females which was very hurtful to her.


What kept her in the relationship was that she avoided thinking about the negative things and instead had focused on how good looking he was and what a good job he had.  She had also blamed his poor treatment of her on herself.  She’d think if only I had not got angry that last night we went out we’d still be together.  This is a typical thought from someone who loves their boyfriend, they tend to blame it on their actions. At this point, I began thinking about the song by the Eagles, “Already Gone”.  Often people don’t realize they have the key to making things better.  If you haven’t heard the song in a while, here’s a live version.

That’s exactly what this young woman did.  She had taken steps to rebuild her self-esteem.  She set goals at work to complete projects successfully.  She built relationships with friends and found activities to enjoy with them on weekends.

Even more helpful, she blocked him from Facebook and  blocked her phone number so he couldn’t call her.

Is it time to let go of your unsatisfying relationship and move on?  It can be helpful to know there are other options besides resigning oneself to a negative relationship.

You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

When You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

A lot of musicians have been celebrating landmark anniversaries lately: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Dave Clark 5 – to name but a few. While listening to an oldies station the other day, I got to thinking about all the great artists from that era. Right in the mix of pop music in the early 60’s was The Righteous Brothers. They recorded their great hit, You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’, in 1964. Have you heard it recently? Have a listen right here:
When I hear this song, and others like it, I get to thinking about the challenges of relationships – how fragile it all can be. This is often the crux of the issue when people come to see me for consultation – they’ve lost a sense of closeness, tenderness, affection, and sexual chemistry that they long to recover. People can feel that things are slipping through their fingers.
“Why don’t I have affectionate feelings for my wife?”
“Will I ever get the feelings back again?  I’m willing to wait–two weeks, three weeks even, but if I don’t start feeling those old feelings or I think we won’t have what we used to have, I’m outta here!”
What you’re hearing is men and women who are distressed with not feeling in love with their partner, having no desire to have sex with their partner, maybe even feeling numbness or totally turned off by their partner.  They recognize that they can’t make themselves feel a certain way but they may not recognize how they got to the place of not feeling anything.

It’s Probably Been Happening for Awhile

One man recognized when he came back from out of town his wife never cooked, he had to cook and do the laundry and he resented that.  Another women was actually very clear about when the problem started and how it was maintained.  When her husband asked her multiple times during the day to have sex and kept asking she was turned off.  She felt disrespected.  He did not hear her say now is not a good time.

Can This Problem be Solved?

Sometimes it can be a quick fix. In the case of the woman who felt disrespected, once her husband heard her in session and realized what he was doing was pushing her away, he backed off from approaching her so often. She then began approaching him and surprised him by setting up dates to have sex.

A quick fix and return of romantic feelings is not always the case, however. Some conflicts are difficult to unearth and are even more difficult to work through. And it may be that one partner has already checked out and is hoping to hear that restoring loving feelings cannot be done so they can just leave. It can really be helpful to work with a couples therapist to resolve conflicts and perhaps restore romantic feelings.

How has this been for you?

Ever faced this before? What helped? What fizzled? I’d love to hear your thoughts – below.