How DBT Can Help You Get What You Want

In a world where communication is available at our fingertips in an instance true connection and communication appear to be lacking. We have social media, instant messaging, texting, screen shots, and all variety of digital screen-to-screen interactions. This can make face-to-face interaction feel more difficult or uncomfortable. Dialectical behavior therapy, also referred to as DBT, has a mnemonic device D-E-A-R M-A-N focusing on meeting an objective within a relationship. This skill was developed as a component of Interpersonal Effectiveness module to help remind people of the basic skills involved in asking for your needs to be met in a healthy manner. It is important in all of our relationships that we feel comfortable being capable of communicating our needs and expectations with others. Without open communication relationships can foster resentment, hurt feelings, and unmet needs. There is one caveat to asking others for what we want: even the most skilled communicators are not

Source: How DBT Can Help You Get What You Want | World of Psychology

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Several staff members have extensive training and experience using DBT in their work — especially Kate Rist, MSW, LIMHP and Scarlett Shockley, RN-BC, MS, LPC, LIMHP.

Please contact us with your questions — 402-334-1122

Setting the Stage for More Sex

How To Increase Your Chances of Having More Sex

“My wife and I haven’t been intimate for 8 years.”

I have people coming in with relationship problems.  They’re not getting along, they’re not communicating and they’re not having sex.  They might mention they miss having sex, then I know desire is there.

I take note of this because desire for sex is really a positive thing, it shows zest for life.  If it’s been a long time, though, starting up again can be awkward.

It Starts Early in the Day

Once you’ve made up your mind, get started.  You will want to connect in a positive way with your loved one.  Some people call it “simmering” and what they’re doing is showing affection toward their partner.

A husband walks in from getting the mail and touches her cheek. Just like that, out of the blue.

She extends her hand to him, touches his shoulder.

They have started something.

But neither will show their cards yet there’s no rush…

He helped clean the kitchen so she could go work out.  She prepared his favorite spicy chili for dinner.

What is happening is that they are on good terms and doing things to maintain those good terms.

A hot time in the bedroom at night starts in the morning.  It’s all the little steps during the day that makes the difference.

Is There Unresolved Conflict?

However, increasing affection might not lead to sex.  Then the question is, is there unresolved conflict?

In the past they had a major argument over him going out of town when she had to stay home and work.  She felt his trip was a financial drain.  It was since that time that sex had become nonexistent, only once every two months.

It might be helpful to ask yourself what has changed since you first noticed lack of a sex life?

Make a Date Time

Finally, it’s really helpful to look forward to getting together. Couples can set the stage for a good time.  Find a time when both have enough energy, are alert.  During courtship people prepare for a date and want to maximize their time together.  Making time to be intimate deserves the same kind of thoughtfulness.

What thoughts do you have about getting restarted with your sex life? If you are ready to talk it over, please give me a call.

Phones & Separation Anxiety – link to original article

iPhone separation linked to physiological anxiety, poor cognitive performance

Cell phone in hand
Must the phone always accompany us through the day?

From Science Daily:

Cell phone use has become a common part of life as mobile devices have become one of the most popular ways to communicate. Even so, very little research exists on the impact of cell phone usage and specifically what happens when people are separated from their phones. Now, research from the University of Missouri has found that cell phone separation can have serious psychological and physiological effects on iPhone users, including poor performance on cognitive tests. The researchers say these findings suggest that iPhone users should avoid parting with their phones during daily situations that involve a great deal of attention, such as taking tests, sitting in conferences or meetings, or completing important work assignments, as it could result in poorer cognitive performance on those tasks.

Let’s talk – without the phone……

I love my smartphone. I don’t have one of Apple’s phones – but a pretty good Android. It pretty much does everything I want it to. It’s a tool, a communication device, a kind of Swiss Army Knife kind of object that I’ve come to appreciate over time. I wouldn’t want to go back to my flip-phone.

We, as a species, mastered fire about 70,000 years ago – as I recall hearing recently. We’ve only had these marvelous devices for 6 or 7 years. We await each new version with breathless anticipation. We stare at the screen to the degree that I’ve started to see articles online about orthopedic problems emerging from high use. We detach from social environments to check our Twitter feed or Facebook status updates. Look around the next restaurant you’re in – and take note of how many people are seated with others, but interacting with their phones. Airports, grocery stores, art galleries – we don’t want to miss anything, apparently.

People are carrying them into psychotherapy sessions, too. To show the therapist the nasty text from a problematic mate or family member. To catch the return call from the pediatrician [this one makes sense to me!] or risk waiting another 24 hours. To monitor emergencies back at the office. On and on.

But to what end?

To do more? Not miss out? Stay in the loop?

Trouble letting go of your continuous connection to everything? Think it through, and consider uninstalling a few apps – or turn off the notifications. Turn off the vibration feature on your phone – fewer prompts to check-check-check who-what-when-why.

Still anxious? Let’s talk it over.


The Spirituality – Counseling Connection

Spirituality and Counseling:  Is there a connection?

How can spirituality and counseling be related to each other?  I believe that there is, indeed, a relationship, and an important one at that!


I am defining spirituality as that part of us which seeks a connection to a power bigger than ourselves.  It is that part of us that asks, what exists beyond me, if anything?  This question can lead to others, for example, what is most important in life?  For what reason am I here?  What does it take to have a successful life?


I am respectful of the  many different definitions of a higher power. I believe that we are each on our own journey toward spirituality.  For me, God is love, and I see expressions of that love everywhere.  I was brought up in a church, so that is home to  me.  I know some find their expressions of a higher power in other houses of worship, nature, or even through meditation.

How does all this relate to counseling concerns?

Many folks come into counseling with problems that are related to childhood abuse or emotional neglect.  These injuries can deeply scar us and make us question our self worth.  We might long for love from people who can’t give it to us.  What can we do?  A big part of the answer lies in finding love NOW in our lives.  This means finding others who will love us back, as we love them.  It really is the only answer to our loneliness; it is the only healing that works.

Those of us who are married know how challenging our relationships can be.  All marriages have conflict and some of it is actually unresolvable!  Unresolvable conflicts reflect personality differences or differences in basic beliefs, like how children should be raised.   Marital love calls us to grow as people in our emotional maturity.  No, I can’t always have my way!  If we are going to have a happy marriage, we must learn to make room for the other person’s viewpoint.

Lots of folks come to counseling because they are depressed, anxious, or both.  Depression sometimes has a message for us, letting us know that we are on the wrong life path and need a new direction.  As folks search for that new direction, many ask, how can I contribute to the lives of others?  Many times, when we find this, our own lives become richer.  Again, love is a key, along with a commitment to something outside of ourselves.

An Anxious World

We live in a very anxious world, with so many things to worry about every day.  Our lives are fast paced and we fill them with activities and things.  How can we calm and relax ourselves?  How can we find peace of mind?  As we search for this peace, we may ask ourselves what really are the most important things in life?

Ultimately, it is our participation in loving relationships and knowing that we are making a contribution, whatever that is, to the welfare of others.

So, yes, there is a connection between spirituality and counseling issues.  I would be happy to meet  about your counseling concerns and to further discuss these perspectives with you.

Linda Schaefer, M.A.
Professional Counselor

Telltale Signs It’s Time to Treat Your Anxiety

Telltale Signs It’s Time to Treat Your Anxiety | World of Psychology.

I often meet people who tell me that they’ve been dealing with intrusive levels of worry, tension, or distress for years. People who have been organizing their lives around the avoidance of people, places or situations for as long as they can remember.


This isn’t how life was supposed to be, I think. Follow the link, and see if you agree that it’s time to turn the table on anxiety